Demetri Martin

Demetri's set from Montreal

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r3bzoMYXCMo

My name's Demetri and these are some of my jokes.

I just got some new pyjamas
with pockets in them
which is great because before that,
I used to have to hold things when I slept.

My computer beat me at chess.
But then I beat him at kickboxing.

I think batteries are the most dramatic objects of all the objects.
Cause other things, they stop working, or they break
But batteries, they die

"Why aren't you using your walkman?"
"I can't. My batteries died in my lap this morning.
"The twins are gone."
If you're a battery you're either working or you're dead.
That's a shit life.

If I ever saw an amputee being hanged.
I would just yell out letters

I want to make a jigsaw puzzle that's forty thousand pieces and when it's finished it says,
"Go outside."

I went into this clothing store and the lady working there, she got mad at me,
Cause she said, "What size are you?"
I said, "Actual"
"This ain't a trick, baby!"

She was amazing, I'd never met a woman like this before.
She showed me to the dressing room and she said,
"If you need anything, I'm Jill"
I thought,
"Oh my God,
I never met a woman before
that has a conditional identity!
"What if I don't need anything?
Who are you?"
"If you don't need anything, I'm Kevin."

Crap, that's not good.

I like to use glitter. I do crafts a little bit, and I work with glitter.
But don't worry, I make tough stuff like daggers and swords.
The thing about glitter is, if you get it on you be prepared to have it on you forever.
Cause glitter doesn't go away.
Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

It's weird how finger puppet sounds okay as a noun.....

Thank you everybody!