Demetri Martin Jokes 2

Other Demetri Jokes (Taken from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/These_Are_Jokes#Quotes)

The show officially starts ... right ... now. Datingisdifficultblackpeoplesmellandwhitepeoplearecleanalsoairplanefoodisunacceptable.
Yes! That's three jokes in five seconds. This is awesome.
That's a very high LPM: a lot of laughs per minute on this CD.

Some Jokes
I like digital cameras, because they enable you to reminisce immediately.
I was on the train, and I heard this guy say to his friend, "Man. I'm really good at checkers." Which is the same as saying, "Man. I'm not good at a lot of things. I suck at everything except checkers."
From checkers I learned that a king is when there's a guy who looks exactly like another guy right on top of him. But life taught me that that's a queen.
I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. Especially if your teammates are bad guessers. The only time worse would be during a game of "fake heart attack" ... followed by naps.
I went into a shoe store and I said, uh, "Hey, can I get those in a ten?" The guy said, "Sure," and he went in the back, then a couple minutes later he came out and he goes, "I don't have a ten; I have a nine."
"Great. 'Cause while you were in the back, my toes were severed off. Normally it would be retarded for you to say a number different than what we agreed on ... but given my very recent accident, you're right on. Congratulations; you're rehired."
I think vests are all about protection. Like, the life vest protects you from drowning. And the bulletproof vest protects you from getting shot. And the sweater vest protects you from pretty girls.
I heard this lady say, "I love kids." That's nice. It's kinda weird, though. It's like saying, "I like people for a little while."
It's weird – you can say, "I like kids" or "I love kids" as a general statement. It's when you get specific that you get into trouble: "I love twelve-year-olds."
Swimming is a confusing sport. Sometimes you do it for fun, but then other times, you do it to not die.
I think drowning would be a horrible experience. But I bet a little less horrible if right before that, you were really thirsty.
I don't like "thank you" cards, 'cause I don't know what else to say. What do I put on the inside?
"...Man."
"See front."
I just think they’re very redundant. It's like, "Thank you," you open it, "Thank you." Tell me something I don't know, you know?
"Thank you ... I fear dolphins."
"Hmm! This guy's grateful, and ... interesting."
You can say, "Thanks," and you can say, "Thanks a million," but any number in between – uh-uh.
"Hey man, thanks two-fifty-six."
"What?"
"Yeah, you gave me a ride; that's not worth a million. You know what? Two-fifty-five for questioning me. Keep it up, stupid; we're headed for 'thanks zero.' And that's no thanks."
I just found something in my hair. That's never a good thing. It's never gonna be, like, a treat.
I think I'm getting good at saving a situation in which I would appear like a dork. I just twist it at the last second. Like, I went to call my friend. I said, "Hello, is Chris there?" Lady said, "You have the wrong number." And I said, "No. ... I'm trying to avoid him."

[edit] The Remix
I think the best thing about being dumb is that it makes magic a lot better.
"Where the hell did that rabbit come from?"
"I don't know, but I'm callin' the cops. 'Cause he just cut that lady in half."
Sometimes when you get dressed in the morning, you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flip-flops, you're saying, "Hope I don't get chased today."
I find that at most theme parks, the theme is, "Wait in line, fatty."
Every fight is a food fight when you're a cannibal.
My friend's really into similes. He uses a lot of similes. He's like ... annoying.
A dreamcatcher works ... if your dream is to be gay.
I was staying in a hotel, and I asked for a wake-up call. Next morning the phone rang, and a voice said, "What are you doing with your life?"
"I'm up!"
I think it's weird that when you give someone flowers, you're really saying, "Here you go. Now watch these die. 'Cause I like you."
I feel like you should give someone flowers when you want to threaten 'em. "Here. You're next."
I use this product called "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!" 'Cause sometimes when I'm having toast, I like to be incredulous.
Sometimes I mix "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!" with butter to make "I Can Believe Some of It's Butter!"
I was in a restaurant. The waitress said, "Do you want butter with that?" And I said, "I don't know what to believe anymore."

[edit] Other Jokes
I think an eating contest is really just the beginning of a shitting contest.
"Congrats, you're the winner. But in Round 2, everybody loses."
Why are there no positive mysteries? It's always like, "Who stole the diamond?" or "Who killed the butler?" How 'bout, "Hey, who made cookies?"
"Somebody cleaned my room."
If I had a bookstore, I'd make the mystery section really hard to find.
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.
I'm gonna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make 'em live together.

[edit] Sames and Opposites (song)
A musical is the same as a burlap sack / I would not want to be in either
A squirrel is the same as a can / When there’s a BB gun in my hand
Spare change is the same as wedgies for me / I don't give it unless someone's really asking
Saying "I apologize" is the very same / As saying "I'm sorry" / They're the same / Unless you’re at a funeral
Earrings are the same as sneezes / Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying / If you have two, then God bless you
A secret admirer is the same as a stalker / With stationery
An ex-girlfriend is the same / As an okay movie / I liked it at the time, but I don't want to see it again / Especially if the movie / Was kind of a bitch

[edit] These Jokes
I got a haircut before I came out here. And, uh, I went into this salon in New York, and I said, "Can I get a trim?" But it must have come out, "Gay Beatle, please."
I wanna make a revolving door that says "pull" on it. See how obedient people are, you know?
"Oh, it's one of these."

[edit] Personal Information Waltz
I used to compete in sports a lot, but then I realized that you can buy trophies. Now I'm good at everything. Including checkers.
I'm gonna open a store called "Chasm." We're gonna be just like The Gap, but way bigger.
I think graffiti is the most passionate literature there is. It's always like:
"Bush sucks!"
"U2 rules!"
I wanna make indifferent graffiti:
"Toy Story 2 was okay!"
"I like Gina as a friend, but I’m not sure about taking things further!"
I am afraid of sharks, but only in a water situation. If I saw a shark on the street, I'd be like, "What? Fuck you!" It's like the opposite of how I am with lions.
If I ever saw an amputee being hanged, I would just yell out letters.

[edit] One Story
It was really hot this past summer in New York, where I live. I woke up and it was one of those really hot days. I decided I'd go to the beach. But it was too far, so I decided to go to Central Park instead. Besides, I hadn't been to the beach since the summer the synchronized swimming team drowned. It was tragic, but beautiful. Apparently the leader got a cramp, and they were pretty hardcore.
When I got to the park, I read a book cover to cover. It only took like two minutes, 'cause I went around the outside.
It was my friend's birthday, and I had to get him a card. But I was mad at him, so I put quotes around the word "happy."
Owning a dog in a city is like saying, "My need for companionship outweighs my distaste for picking up shit."
I was in a department store riding the escalator, and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
I was on the street and I saw a friend of a mine, all of a sudden, I hadn't seen in years. Guy named Dean. We went to high school together. Last time I saw him was like five years earlier when Dean and I were doing a roofing job together on top of a forty-story building. He started talking crazy that day, and he goes, "I can't take it, man," and he got up on the ledge, and he jumped.
Just after he jumped I looked down, and I noticed that Trampoline Emporium was having a sidewalk sale that day. Dean landed right on one of the trampolines, and bounced back up forty stories to where I was standing. And just as he floated up he said to me, "You know, I think a lot of your joke premises are contrived and hard to believe."
And that pissed me off. Anyway, the other night I was playing Twister with some amputees...
[A friend and I] were eating dinner, and he said to me, "If comedy doesn't work out, do you have a Plan B?" I said, "Hell no. My plans are numbered."
Someday I'm gonna get an apartment right near Carnegie Hall. Then it'll be really easy to give people directions to my place: "Practice, practice, practice, and make a left."

[edit] Some More Jokes
Whenever I meet somebody who has a kid, they have to show me a photo of their kid. But then when I show them a photo of me to show to their kid, I'm weird. What kind of one-way street is that?
Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in a bookstore, I just flip to the "About the Author" section. I'm like, "Done. Next?"
I like board games. There's so many board games with so many different titles, you know what I mean? Sometimes I feel like they can all have the same title: "Which One of My Friends Is a Competitive Asshole?"
I wanna launch a globe into space, just to mess with astronauts.
I got some new pajamas with, uh, pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept.
Now I'm like, "Where's my planner? Oh, there it is. 'Keep sleeping.' All right, I'm right on schedule. Perfect. Wish I had a pajama backpack for all this other stuff."
I'm in kind of a tough situation, 'cause I like rainbows, but I'm not gay – but I'm not against being gay, you know what I mean, if other people are gay. So I end up with, like, situations where I have a rainbow on something, but then under it I put, like, "Not gay," but then under that in parentheses it says, "But supportive."
'Cause it's just frustrating, 'cause it just stinks that that group, like, just took refracted light, you know?

[edit] The Jokes with Guitar
There's a store in my neighborhood called "Futon World." Love that name, "Futon World." Makes me think of a magical place ... that becomes less comfortable over time.
I think statues are wonderful. They show us what great people would look like if birds shit all over them.
How long is it gonna take in our society to see a person with an eyepatch and not to think that they're a pirate?
I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary," and it said, "You're an asshole."
I was eating a bowl of cereal, and I had all these questions and comments. Luckily, there was a number on the box.
So I called. Said, "I have a question: Is this cereal as delicious as I think it is? And I have a comment: Yes!"
Batteries are the most dramatic objects. Other things stop working, or they break, but batteries – they die.
"Why aren't you listening to your Walkman?"
"I can't. My batteries died in my lap this morning. They were so young. The twins are gone."
If you're a battery, you're either working or you're dead. It's a shit life.
I notice there are no B batteries. It goes right from A to C. I think that's to avoid confusion. 'Cause if there were B batteries, how would we know when somebody wanted them or just had a stutter?
"Can I help you?"
"Yes, I would like some b-batteries?"
"Sure, what kind?"
"B-batteries."
"Right. What kind?"
"B-batteries, dammit. I said it three times!"
And D batteries, those are hard for foreigners.
"Yes, I would like de batteries up there, please?"
And never order C batteries in twos.
"Hi, I'd like to see batteries?"
"Then look at 'em, stupid."
"Sort of" is a harmless thing to say. "Sort of." It's just a filler. It doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, "sort of" means everything.
Like after: "I love you."
Or: "You're going to live."
Or: "It's a boy!"
This summer at a party, I learned that there's a small but important difference between "peeing in the pool" and "peeing into the pool." Location, location, location.
I remember when I used to really be into nostalgia.
Went to a clothing store. Lady working there, she got mad at me. 'Cause she said, "What size are you?" And I said, "Actual."
"This ain't a trick, baby. What you see is what you get."
She was amazing. I never met a woman like this before. She showed me to the dressing room. She said, "If you need anything, I'm Jill."
I was like, "Oh my god. I never met a woman before with a conditional identity. What if I don't need anything? Who are you?"
"If you don't need anything, I’m Eugene."
The thing about glitter is, if you get it on you, be prepared to have it on you forever. 'Cause glitter doesn't go away. Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.
I love video games, but they're very violent. I wanna design a video game in which you have to take care of all the people who've been shot in the other games.
"Hey man, what're you playin'?"
"Uh, Super Busy Hospital ... 2. Please leave me alone. I need to concentrate. I'm performing surgery on a man who was shot in the head 57 times."
I think it'd be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, "It looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need some help? You should use stronger language; you could get more money."
"Thanks, paper clip with a tattoo! Nice bandana."
This summer I wanna go to the beach and bury metal objects that say "Get a life" on them.
If somebody asks you the question, "Are you ticklish?" it doesn't matter whether you say yes or no. They're going to touch you.

Demetri Martin

Demetri's set from Montreal

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r3bzoMYXCMo

My name's Demetri and these are some of my jokes.

I just got some new pyjamas
with pockets in them
which is great because before that,
I used to have to hold things when I slept.

My computer beat me at chess.
But then I beat him at kickboxing.

I think batteries are the most dramatic objects of all the objects.
Cause other things, they stop working, or they break
But batteries, they die

"Why aren't you using your walkman?"
"I can't. My batteries died in my lap this morning.
"The twins are gone."
If you're a battery you're either working or you're dead.
That's a shit life.

If I ever saw an amputee being hanged.
I would just yell out letters

I want to make a jigsaw puzzle that's forty thousand pieces and when it's finished it says,
"Go outside."

I went into this clothing store and the lady working there, she got mad at me,
Cause she said, "What size are you?"
I said, "Actual"
"This ain't a trick, baby!"

She was amazing, I'd never met a woman like this before.
She showed me to the dressing room and she said,
"If you need anything, I'm Jill"
I thought,
"Oh my God,
I never met a woman before
that has a conditional identity!
"What if I don't need anything?
Who are you?"
"If you don't need anything, I'm Kevin."

Crap, that's not good.

I like to use glitter. I do crafts a little bit, and I work with glitter.
But don't worry, I make tough stuff like daggers and swords.
The thing about glitter is, if you get it on you be prepared to have it on you forever.
Cause glitter doesn't go away.
Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

It's weird how finger puppet sounds okay as a noun.....

Thank you everybody!